A Vampire's Mind
by I-Tried-To-Fix-You
Summary: What do you do when no one understands you? Iris- Goo Goo Dolls. EPOV. Rated T for some suggestive material. Don't own Twilight.


**EPOV**

The vampiric mind is permanant. Every memory of your life after transformation is crystal clear. It is like pulling up an image that has been conveniently been taped and placed on a disk, and playing it inside of your head.

As I sat in our room, gazing at my beautiful wife holding my child, I began to ponder. I'd always been slighty masochistic. Loathing myself came easy for my personality, and being a parasidic creature didn't help my mind's situation. I'd never felt like anyone had completely understood me. I'd never been on the exact same level of thought with anybody...

Then, I came closer to dreaming than I ever had before.

**Flashback: The meadow**

"Don't move," she whispered. I closed my eyes and froze in place, becoming a statue. She slowly raised her delicate hand to my face. She gently stroked my cheek, as if I were the breakable one instead of her. Her fingertips grazed over my nose and ran slowly over my lips. I opened them, too tempted to not inhale her delicious scent. I could tell that she didn't want to stop, nor did I for that matter, but she did. I opened my sure to be blackened eyes. The monster within roared hungrily, but that wasn't the only want. I struggled to not lean in and claim her lips as mine.

_**And I'd give up forever to touch you**_

I heard her heartbeat pick up as easily as someone could hear me speak. "I wish," I whispered, "I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand."

I touched her feather soft hair, and glided my palm across her face.

"Tell me," she breathed.

I considered quickly. "I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger-the thirst-that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though"-I let myself grin-"as you are not addicted to any illegal substances you probably can't empathize completely.

"But..." I rested my fingers on her warm rose petal lips, marveling in the feelings that came forth. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me." Never before had I felt such powerful sensations. To be close to a woman, to hold her hand and kiss her ruby lips. I'd never dreamed that they would be this strong. This tempting. I could only hope she could begin to fathom what I was saying.

"I may understand _that_ better than you think."

_**Cause I know that you feel me somehow**_

"I'm not used to feeling so human." I confessed. "Is it always like this?" I hoped to god that she'd say no. That I was as rare of a pleasure to be around for her as she was for me.

"For me?" she thought for a moment. "No, never. Never before this."

That appeased me. I captured her hands in mine. She was so fragile compared to my cold hard skin. If simply holding her hand was difficult and took control, how far could I expect such a relationship to go? I spoke my fears aloud.

"I don't know how to be close to you. I don't know if I can."

She leaned in, slowly due to my reaction last time, a warning in her brown orbs. She rested her pretty head on my chest. "This is enough," she sighed.

I acted instinctively and wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her mahogany locks.

_**You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be**_

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she stated.

"I have human instincts-they may be buried deep, but they're there." I said, not sure myself what told me to do such a thing.

Bella and I sat there for what could've been days or seconds. I was only able to revel in her presence. When did I get so lucky? I knew this was against everything I'd originally planned, that at every passing second her life was in danger. However, for once, I wasn't capable of being morose. I just wanted to hold her in that pristine meadow forever.

It began to get dark, and she sighed. What a beautiful sound!

"You have to go." I said, not wanting to leave myself.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind." Her sarcastic sense of humor shone through.

I laughed to myself. "It's getting clearer."

_**And I don't want to go home right now**_

**Five Minutes Later:**

"I was thinking that there was something I wanted to try," I murmured and held her face in my hands.

She wasn't breathing, but she didn't seem afraid.

I leaned in and stopped about an inch from her mouth, pausing to see that I was still in check with my thirst. I reigned in the beast, focusing on her stunning face instead of her blood that was so potent to me, and pressed my lips firmly to hers. Pure heaven.

**That Night:**

"You seem more…optimistic than usual," she observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

I was almost giddy. I'd never felt this free in my entire existence. It was invigorating. Bella knew me. She knew exactly was I was. And she was not afraid. She did not run. Out of all of the scenarios in my head, this one had never played out. I was unable to be sorry or worrisome. All of my troubled thoughts had been pushed into the back of my mind earlier that afternoon.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" I felt like I was walking on air, as if I could scream for joy. I hadn't done that since before my transformation. Oh, the magnificent simplicity of being a child. Of being human.

"Very different." She agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

Forceful indeed.

_**And all I can taste is this moment**_

We continued to talk for a while longer, but I remembered that unlike me, she needed her sleep. I gazed at her sleeping form right next to me. Her back was pressed against my chest, my arm around her waist. I was on top of the comforter, though, because I didn't want her to get a chill from my skin's frozen temperature.

I was secretly thrilled at the prospect of staying the night with her, not for the obvious reasons of a man being with a woman at night, but because I simply couldn't stand being away from her at any given moment.

"Edward?" she whispered.

I smirked, knowing that she was talking in her sleep. "Yes, love?" I asked.

"I love you," she breathed, leaning back into my embrace unconsciously.

My heart swelled with joy. "And I you."

_**And all I can breathe is your life**_

**September:**

After her birthday party, I knew what I had to do. Actually, deep down, I suppose I understood all along what everything would come to. I knew that someday I would become too much of a danger to her, and I would have to leave her.

The numbness that I felt while saying goodbye to her wasn't surprising. It was expected, really. Even a dead man's heart can only take so much agony. Yet, every second that I was unfeeling, I was dying inside. No matter how much this hurt me, I had to make it as painless for her as possible.

"Bella, we're leaving."

She inhaled deeply. What was she thinking? I was completely out of it, but at the same time, I was hyperaware of everything that she did.

"Why now? Another year-"

"Bella," I interrupted her, "it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She looked confused. She searched for answers in my face, but I kept my mask carefully composed and ice cold. All of a sudden, it dawned in her eyes.

"When you say _we_-" she whispered.

"I mean my family and myself." I tried to make it perfectly clear in my articulation.

She shook her head a few times. I watched her reaction for a few minutes, imagining the deep thoughts that swarmed through her brain.

"Okay," she said. "I'll come with you."

No. "You can't, Bella. Where we are going…It's not the right place for you." Of course, she couldn't go with us! That would defeat the whole purpose of keeping her safe! Didn't she understand?

"Where you are is the right place for me." She insisted. I had never met a single person as stubborn as Isabella Swan, possibly with the exception of myself.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." Now _that_ was the complete truth. I wasn't good for you. I was ruining her. I could've ruined her life had I stayed. Her only chance was for me to disappear.

"Don't be ridiculous." She sounded like she was going to beg.

Dear god, no. If you can give me anything, just don't let her beg. Don't let her cry. This is about me keeping her from getting hurt. Don't punish me further. I'm already dead in every sense of the word.

"You're the very best part of my life."

Never. My predatory design fooled her along with the rest of the world. As good looking as I might be, I would never be enough for her.

"My world is not for you." I said, some emotion that I'd kept hidden leaking through in my voice.

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

My fury with myself flared tenfold, but I reined it in for her.

"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

She continued to fight with me, trying to convince me that I was wrong. She put entirely too much faith in me. I would _never_ put her in danger again. There was no way for me to part with her other than lying to her face. She would not go along with anything else…that is if she actually fell for it. My poor beautiful Bella. Why would she believe me after the countless times that I have told her of my love for her?

My eyes froze but were burning hot at the same time, like hardened molten lava. "Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

I lashed out the cruelest of blasphemy. As if I could _ever_ not want her! The idea would've made me scoff if I wasn't in such tortured agony.

"You…don't…want me?" She sounded like I'd slapped her across the face.

Yes. Yes! Of course, I want you! I struggled to keep my face impartial as I screamed at myself in my head. Why would you let her believe that? How could you say such a thing? It felt like a millennia had passed, but it was really less than a second.

"No."

_**Well sooner or later it's over**_

She was so lost. I could see it in her eyes. "Well, that changes things." Her voice was surprisingly steady compared to how confused her facial expression was. Did this not kill her as it killed me?

I looked away, trying to keep my composure.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way." In a way, that makes this the most difficult task of my life. In a way that was ripping my frozen heart out of my chest at that very moment. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I had never spoken a truer phrase. I was not human, and I never could be. Not even for Bella. I'd give her the moon if she wanted it, but I couldn't change what I was even though I'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Don't." She whispered. I think she was starting to get hysterical. "Don't do this."

It was too late for that. I'd let this go far enough.

"You're not good for me, Bella." Lies. Lies!

She gaped like a fish. "If…that's what you want."

I nodded once. It was all that I could manage. Only years of practice could train me to lie this well. I thought of one terrible thought.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.

She was so desperate looking. I accidentally let a glimmer of hurt shine through my eyes. Why would you ever believe me?

"Anything," she vowed.

My harsh stare softened.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I ordered. I hadn't felt this involved in the conversation during the entire time. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She couldn't get hurt. That was inevitable, but I could keep her from danger as best I could.

She nodded.

I returned to my numb state. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." I couldn't give her hope that I'd return, so I used Charlie as an excuse. She wouldn't do that to him.

She nodded again. "I will."

The most horrible thing of all was that she believed every foul lie that came out of my mouth. She believed that I didn't love her. She believed me. I said goodbye to her and left my broken heart in Forks, Washington.

_**I just don't want to miss you tonight**_

**Time Passes:**

Somehow, over the course of the next few months, I ended up in a rat-infested attic in Argentina. My cell phone rang constantly, displaying the names of my family members on turn. I left calls unanswered, the blinds shut, and my thirst unquenched. Every so often, the thirst would get unbearable, and I would feed upon a rodent. It was as much as I deserved.

**_And I don't want the world to see me_**

They're all disappointed in me. I don't blame them, either, but for different reasons. They think that I have made the wrong choice, but I am an adult and make my own decisions. Thankfully, they respected my wishes and left town.

No one knows where I am, though I am sure Alice has some idea. Her visions will give her glimpses of things I have seen and the room that I am in, but they cannot pinpoint my location. It is for the best. I will not burden them with my own grief. They have their own problems, and I must respect that. They don't agree with me. They don't agree with what I've done, but they don't see it! They don't see what I've done to her. How could they not? I don't understand why or how they don't see where things would lead to and what tragedies would happen.

Rosalie even thought I left because I didn't love her as much as I said I did. She will never understand. Leaving her was the most love that I could ever show her, because it showed that I wanted what was best for her before what was best for me. I wanted her happiness over my own, and I would suffer eternally for that. She just didn't get it. None of them did. But how could I expect them to comprehend?

**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_**

I don't belong in this damn world. It wasn't meant for the likes of me. Vampires are supposed to not be real in the first place, and I'm even more of an outcast than my family. I must've been meant to be alone. They have each other. Each of them has their significant other, and I've always been the odd man out. I walked the earth for a hundred years with no woman by my side and now I am doomed to last for a much longer time. Yet this time it is so much worse. I have tasted the wine. I glimpsed a piece of heaven, and now I know what it feels like. Now I know what is missing.

Maybe things aren't made to be right. Maybe everything is made to be wrong, or at least wrong for me. It doesn't matter what things are made to be like, really. Nothing can change the pain I feel. Nothing can change my loss.

**_When everything's made to be broken_**

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

I walked up to the house slowly. My perfect sense of hearing, and my sixth sense of hearing as well, picked up everything in the house, though it would appear calm to a human observer.

Esme bustled through our unused kitchen, worried out of her mind. Carlisle stood near the door, but still in view of his wife. His calm façade was still in place even though his mind betrayed the same worry that Esme showed freely.

Alice stood in the window, smiling hugely at me. She screamed hello at me in her head and showed nothing but happiness in hopes of cheering me up. She really was a sweet girl, and normally I would appreciate that, but at this point, it was hopeless. Jasper was across the room-as far away from me and my mood as possible.

Emmett sat on the couch, torn between playing is video game and ogling Rose, who was on the chair across from him painting her nails.

I stopped listening after that, afraid of hearing something painful. What _was_ pain, anyways, after this horrible torture and numbness? It wasn't hard to do, because I didn't care. I was not one bit curious as to what they were thinking. The roar in my head almost blocked it out by itself.

All was normal, and yet it was the most irregular thing I'd ever seen.

I entered the house quietly, shutting the door behind me. Not one person looked up from what they were doing, but I didn't need Jasper's powers to feel the air tense. A few moments passed.

"Edward!" Alice's perky voice squealed out as she threw herself at me. Bella used to hug me…I winced.

She stepped away, but did not give any other hint that she noticed. "We've missed you!"

I nodded once at her. "Alice," my voice was shaky and raspy from being used so little recently.

Esme entered the room, Carlisle shadowing her. "Oh, dear, we really have missed you, Edward. It's good to have you home." Home. This was not home. Home is where the heart is, and that was most certainly not there.

Carlisle stepped forward. "Welcome back, son."

"Hello, Esme. Carlisle. Could either of you show me to my room?" I tried unsuccessfully to be polite.

"Oh," Esme's hurt voice faltered. "Of course. Right this way." She led me up two flights of stairs to a door. "I hope you will like it. It's just as it was before…"

"No!" My hand lashed out and stopped hers from turning the door. She looked at me with a sad expression. "Do you have any unfinished rooms?"

"Well, there are some empty rooms that I haven't decided on." Her voice trailed off.

"That would be perfect. Thank you, Esme." I tried to smile at her, but it came out more like a grimace.

We went down the hall and entered.

"Is this more to your liking?" She was nervous. I made my own mother nervous. How horrible of me.

"It's fine."

"All right then." She started to exit the room.

I closed my eyes and inhaled.

"Edward?" Her voice rang out suddenly.

"Yes, Esme?"

"We love you." Bella. Bella loved me. Bella said she loved me. She swore it. Did she still love me after I'd hurt her so? Pain.

"I"-I spoke softly so that I wouldn't scream-"I know."

She left without another word. I held my breath as I listened to her head down the stairs and into the family room. Then, the damn broke loose.

I collapsed onto the floor, writhing in agony. No one had ever felt a pain like that. No one had ever had their heart torn out of their body and ripped into pieces right in front of them. No one had ever done that to themselves. I thought that the change was bad...

I bit my arm to keep myself from making noise, making a choking sound as I gasped for air. I was sick. I _was_ a masochist. I was a whole entire list of horrible things that I would gladly let anyone call me, because I deserved this. I deserved this torture. I deserved every last second of bitter pain.

I'll always love her in a way…In a crazy sick intensely insane way! The only bit of fucking truth in my words was in that damn forsaken sentence. I would _always _love her. Even if it eventually killed me. I groaned into my palm, wishing for tears that would never fall. A release that I would never be granted.

How had only three seconds passed?

Downstairs, I heard Jasper scream out in terror right before the wave of emotion hit him like a gunshot. He moaned in pain on his knees. Alice was frightened for him and grabbed his face in her tiny hands.

"Jasper?" She shrieked. Even though she'd had a vision of this, it still terrified her to see him hurting.

Emmett and Carlisle grabbed him and ran outside where, after they were far enough away from me, he took off running. Alice was at his heels.

"Poor Jasper." Esme said.

Emmett and Carlisle reentered the house.

"Poor Edward." Carlisle corrected.

Even after all of that I couldn't stop. Not for my family. Not for Jasper. Not even for myself.

**_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_**

**_Or the moment of truth in your lies_**

I'd viewed many films in my time. When you have countless hours to throw away, you have time to do just about anything. I found myself skeptical of the silly melodrama plotlines. Who can have such a vast amount of horrible things happen to them? No one can ever be that happy or in that much pain! It is impossible!

I was wrong. It happened more and more frequently as I thought about it.

I reunited dramatically with my Bella, and she had her own fair share of ridiculous experiences, it turned out. Not only was she spending time with an immature werewolf, but she was hearing my voice in her head.

Normally, I'd find this all silly, but it was dangerous.

I would never forgive myself for what I put her through. She became catatonic and didn't speak with feeling for months upon months. Then, she befriended Jacob, and to top it all off, she heard my voice in her mind whenever she did something dangerous. Being Bella, she decided that hearing me was more important than her life value, so in her deranged state of mind, she jumped off of a damn cliff! How in the world would she not think of the fact that she could _die_? She could have taken herself away from me forever had Jacob not saved her. I may not like him, in fact at times I despise the boy, but I am eternally grateful.

**_When everything feels like the movies_**

**_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_**

**June:**

I stood there listening. I heard her wild gasps and the tugging at his hair. I heard him lift her up into his arms. I heard her heartbeat pick up a pace that I thought only happened when _I _touched her. I even heard his thoughts, smug with the knowledge that I heard every single thing that happened.

She did it. She kissed him and begged him. She loved me, but she loved Jacob too, and that was my own fault. I couldn't even be mad at her. It wouldn't be fair. Not that life is fair, but I would be just as fair and noble to her as I could.

I went to her. I soothed her fears. I let her cry on my shoulder. I let her kiss me with all of her might. I even almost let her have exactly what she wanted, but that would be wrong. Not only would it be wrong, but it would kill me to take her innocence while she was angry with herself. I couldn't do that. It wasn't right. So I just sat there and was exactly what she needed me to be. And if in the end she needed him more, then I would be right there in the wings. I'd wait for him to screw up, and I would be there if she needed me again.

**_And I don't want the world to see me_**

**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_**

**_When everything's made to be broken_**

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

**September:**

I'd never been that terrified in my life. Bella refused to let us help her. I would _never _call that thing inside of her a baby, but she loved it. She called it our child. While it was indeed my spawn it wasn't my son. It was a demon set out to kill her and ruin my only chance of happiness.

I was even desperate to ask Jake to knock some sense into her. If she wanted children, he could give them to her. And I would let him. I would do anything to keep her alive. If she wanted us both, she could have us both. She could have as many children as she wanted and wouldn't suffer from it.

Her small features were gaunt, her face hollow with her eyes sunken in. Yet she found something to smile about. It tortured me to look at her, but it would be even worse to not be able to see her at all. If the baby was born the way the legends said they were, I would lose her.

She loved a monster.

Actually, I was a complete hypocrite. Of _course_ she loved that horrible thing. She was able to love a werewolf. She was able to love _me_.

Of course she would love the very thing that was killing her.

**_I don't want the world to see me_**

**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_**

**_When everything's made to be broken_**

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

Bella and I in the meadow…

Our first kiss…

The first night I stayed with her…

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

Hearing her say she loved me in her sleep…

Taking her to prom…

Watching her during Romeo and Juliet…

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

Coming back from Italy with her…

Watching her walk down the aisle to me…

Making love to her for the first time…

**_I just want you to know who I am_**

"Edward?" Bella's voice broke me from my thoughts. She sat on my lap and handed me a giggling Renesmee. "Are you alright?"

I smiled at my beloved and kissed her softly on the lips, "I am much more than alright."

Bella will probably be the only person who will ever understand me, but that's okay. She's all that I need.

**_I just want you to know who I am…_**


End file.
